Soul Searching

Have you ever felt that you don’t match up with the others within your cohort? Have you ever felt lost in a past generation? In my world, it seems as though most people are off on one track, cruising through sentimental moments while texting and keeping up with their social media facades; but I’m here just wanting to take in something real, center myself with some soothing, calming breaths from the natural energy around me and allow it to fill up my being to the brim with relief and solace. Maybe you and I are different than the others. Maybe you and I weren’t meant for “just anything” and “anyone.”

Going through life searching for a “safe haven” is not an easy endeavor. While it seems that the majority of people coast along without any thought as to wanting a real sense of belonging, there are still many individuals who are confused and adrift in this relentless pursuit. They want to feel wanted, live in the moment, be present in all aspects of their lives, and lead a fulfilling existence, and yet, the world around them says to not exist that way. To explain why some may feel left out of today’s accepted social norms, we should consider what inside of us is causing this yearning. Something that may be the reason for this outlook is the idea of the “soul.” A long disputed topic among scholars and religions alike, the “soul” is a intangible, abstract thing. You can’t touch it, you can’t realllly see it, you can’t smell it, but damn if you can’t FEEL it.

The Worth of the un-Worthy

To find your worth, look inside, they said. “You are worth as much as you allow.” But in reality, our own inner worth means very little when meeting strangers. How would they know the level at which we hold ourselves? How would they know how we treasure ourselves? The honest answer is that they don’t. People will come and go, but they will never know your own innate feelings towards yourself. So how will they know how to treat us? How will they treat us without this knowledge?

It can become confusing in this life when people hold our soul at a lower place of worth than how we view it.

Dating today (and how we’re all screwed)

There used to be an elaborate and delicate process of courtship, whereby people would actually get to know each other in real life. Upon first sight, there was a moment of wonder and innocence which whispered unnamed desires and fruitful actions.

Each individual acted with caution, feeling out the chemistry and mood of the situation and then gradually inching closer to discovering the true nature of a human, peeling back the petals to peek within the depths.

Now, there is a certain amount of disdain for caution and nervousness. People are expected to be bold and outgoing, never shy, and should be confident in every aspect of themselves without any sign of weakness. Social media should reflect this as well and nothing else. Dating in the middle of this lava pit is a trap. Passionate, brief, emotional tie-less affairs are the main pursuit. It is difficult to see where old souls fit into this equation.

Riding on a Gust of Wind

I have only tasted one small morsel of the depths of love, and I cannot pull away.

I have only seen a glimpse into your world, and I cannot look away.

To only lean over the edge and look down is not enough.

I lean. I leann. I leannn. And then I fall.

Falling, falling, and I can only relish in the freedom of having neither ground nor sky to place me or tame my body.

I spiral through the breeze and hurl towards the nothingness, riding wave after wave of a gust of wind, my blood swirling and carrying me closer to you as I fall, fall.

My heart releases itself of normal rhythms and fills with only light and motion, healing.

With eyes closed, I see only the brightness that surrounds my mind, feel only the lightness in my chest, hear only the wind whirling, embracing, safe.

To WJH, for being the most real thing I have ever experienced

When the floor falls out

Honestly so disheartened towards love.

I just recently returned to my home from a friend’s beautiful wedding weekend. She is a babe in every sense of the word, and her, now, husband is a handsome, sweet, genuine fellow. I went through the weekend all smiles, and I could not be happier for her as they are both such ecstatic lovers of life and also fairy-tale-perfect for each other. But then I reached the plane as I depart to return to where I came from, and I had to fight back tears. All of the other single girls-even some of the none-single ones- seemed to be catching the attention of the guys or were such good friends with each other that they could hang and be satisfied with that. I went to the after parties and flirted along without any expectations, and I received nothing. I know that this should not be a measure of my value, but when I feel so terribly unwanted, I have no choice but to collapse after all the air and hope has left my lungs.

These thoughts leave eventually, and I return to a neutral state, but they do linger just below the surface, waiting for a vulnerable moment to rise up and blind me to all the hope I so desperately need.

It is getting very difficult for me to maintain a positive view of myself and all that I am when I am met with blatant indifference in most social settings. I sense it while it’s going on, a numb feeling of being overlooked, like merely the shadow of a person who used to exist.

Denial: A love story

via Daily Prompt: Denial

Once upon a time, I felt very alone. I lived in a mental space where I craved any kind of social interaction but pushed everyone away most of the time, leading to a very vicious cycle of self-absorbed binge-drinking. This led to my ignorance and denial of problems occurring in the romantic relationships I pursued. It was 2011, and his name was Liam* (name changed for his well-being). I graduated from junior college at this point with my AA but dropped out of school the following fall due to an amounting depression, ultimately peaking at an almost suicide attempt and a complete lack of desire to be alive any longer at that place. I was young at the time, just 20, and the year  leading up to dropping out of college had beaten me down. I lost my most favorite person in the whole world, my Uncle Tom, and I was struggling to find any hope that anything would get better. I had been depressed for a long while and decided that I was ready to put myself out there again despite my hangups and misgivings.  I was on OkCupid for the first time and venturing about the internetz to find someone to top my one-time “serious” high school boyfriend of 8 months. This site matches people according to survey questions answered, leading me to believe that it might be a better fit than generic sites. I matched with Liam, and we began messaging. His sarcastic and cool ways were intriguing for me, and I fell harder than anticipated. Flash forward to 2 years later, and we were still “involved” pretty heavily, or at least I thought it to be true. We had been on and off since I started college, but in my mind, nothing ever really seemed different or as though it wasn’t a mutual connection. I had never been attached to anyone the way I was with Liam. He showed me a different style of affection that involved late night hangouts and moderately consistent communication, plus his entire style was exactly what I thought I wanted. When I left for school the following fall, headed to Savannah no less, my feelings became more than just a playful thing. I figured that, if anyone could stand being around me that long, then it must be love, and I wholeheartedly believed in this. I did all I could for him anytime I could, and I thought he felt the same. September of 2013 I told him how I felt, and he told me that it was not at all mutual. He told me I had made all of this out to be so much more than it ever was, and we had never actually been together at all. For him, it was never anything serious or meaningful or even more than a friends-with-benefits situation. Needless to say, I was crushed, devastated, and now doubted my own sanity. Looking back though, there were major things I should have noticed that indicated he was never really involved at all. I was in such a state where I denied basic things that normally would be offensive and telltale signs of someone not being interested.
1. He was always on the phone when we were together, which means he was not at all interested in my presence or time.
2. He never EVER came to meet my family. There were, on 2 separate occasions, an opportunity for him to come meet them, and each time he would mysteriously not wake up or ignore me. I thought he was just nervous, but these should have been big red flags to gtfo of whatever this was.
3. We mainly hung out at night. I thought this was cool for awhile until I realized I was just very convenient for him.
4. I only ever met 1 of his friends. He had no interest in having me meet anyone else because I was a nobody to him.
5. He was a former addict, and I just wanted so badly to save him and put his troubles to rest. This is an unfair way to approach someone, and it is never received well (unless someone is looking for a savior, which is an unhealthy relationship altogether).

Love and lust can blind us to common sense and allow us to only see the best in people, but it is important to step back every so often and objectively ask if everything is as it appears. By doing this, one can evaluate if the things we value are being upheld or whether we’ve lost touch with our original intentions.

Haikus for a Wednesday

I look into you,
And I see nothing more than
All the hope I’ve lost.

You are my muse, dear,
For every vulgar word
I have to expel.

Talking to you now
Is like licking a cactus
To ask for the time.

Could it be that you
were never really any
more than just a dream?

I can see your face
so clearly in my mind’s eye,
only hiding lies.

How to Pack for an ADVENTURE

I truly believe that people would lead much happier lives if we were all allotted an ADVENTURE. Maybe once a year would be enough. Possibly twice.

The people around me all seem slightly dead inside, heavy, and down. Imagine that the hopes of each individual are hidden innocently inside of bright red balloons. These orbs are tied to the northernmost vertebrae and extend above the back of their heads, holding them upright, keeping them together as a silent notion of still existing.  As people get swept up in their day-to-day routines, however, these floating reminders of their dreams are being forgotten and lost, as if the punch clock were just scissors, slowly snipping away at the strings with each swift motion. Their lightness drifting away into deep space, they begin to hunch, weighted, sullen, and filled with a sense of self-doubt. I am here to say that there is a way to fix this, and the answer is adventure. Finding little moments that electrify your spirit can help to ease the pain of sustaining a moderately boring and normal American adult life (a standard declared by each and every struggling individual in this society who is unhappily getting by). Without further adieu, here is the unconventional list of HOW TO PACK FOR AN ADVENTURE.

  1. Let go of what has happened. All of it. Breathe deeply into this new, unburdened mindset.
  2. Visualize your most relaxing state of mind.
    How do you feel? What do you see? What do you hear/smell/taste? These can help guide your choice. Write it all down. Even just a single word or a color will trigger positive vibes to create a more beautiful adventure.
  3. Decide what you are doing in this mindset or pick out things that will help you reconnect to your true self/nature/the universe/energy. Write those down. Be specific. You can even write down things you don’t want to be doing if that seems like a better process of elimination.
  4. Think back to when you were a child. What kind of things brought you joy? The beauty of being an adult is not having to ask for permission to do things or worry about who you’ll embarrass. Take a bike ride through the countryside or a ghost tour through the local cemetery. Just know that this is all about you making once in a lifetime memories.
  5. Figure out your budget, or make a plan to start saving. Just $100 a month is $1200 a year. If it’s going to be the best trip of your life, it will be completely worth it. Even once you decide a budget, you may need to adjust according to where you choose to go and what you want to do. Depending on how specific you want your schedule, you may want to have an emergency fund for those beautiful moments of spontaneity.
  6. Pick a place. Anywhere will work whether close to home or in another country. But pick somewhere that inspires you and makes you feel alive. If you long to twirl in the salt water, find somewhere near the ocean. If you want to sing from a mountaintop, head for the hills and rent out a cabin. If you don’t pick a place that inspires you, you may not get the most out of your adventure. Make sure this place allows you to do all or even some of the things that bring you joy and happiness. Look at pictures and maps and do not let the financials or distance distract too much since we plan on reaching this goal over time.
  7. If possible, you should travel alone. This builds a sense of confidence in being able to find your way and figure things out and can help you to gain a sense of identity.
    Cons: You may get lost. So keep a map. You might also become very lonely. If this is the case you should bring a companion or work through these emotions to uncover the real reasons behind the feeling. An individual is capable of solo trips with success, and you, too, can be another one of those wildly grand travel stories. You can always find a friend or someone non-annoying and anti-irksome to take with you if need be. If you don’t know anyone like this, it only further emphasizes your need to get away on your own.
  8. Bring a hammock.
    Literally: Every place you go to will have trees (except maybe the desert or plains), and this will provide you a chance to really take in the scenery and RELAX. Bring a book or pop in some headphones and drift away into the zone where only good feelings are allowed.
    Metaphorically: Provide yourself with an opportunity to disconnect and recharge. There is no shame in basking in the atmosphere of a new place and doing nothing. Take it in as though you want to remember every detailed landscape and shadowed archway forever. Be fully present in the moment.
  9. Bring memories, not things. This goes for packing and shopping. Keeping a picture of happy times or friends and family may help to keep you in chipper spirits if you find yourself easily isolated and insecure. When looking for treasures to give to others upon your return, consider the value found in a cheap tourist-y item. Most of them are mass-produced and generic, which is not indicative of the wonderful time you’ve been having. Bringing a small jar to capture some pristine, shimmering sand off of an exotic beach or revealing a photo of the last breath-taking sunset has a more personal touch and gives people a real taste of your experience. It also shows that, while in that moment, you found something that brought you joy and reminded you of a significant person in your life, deepening the ultimate value. On a side note, if you intend to talk to family while overseas or traveling out of the country, you will most likely need to change your phone plan during this period that will allow for international contact without robbing you completely. This is the easiest way to maintain contact (and spirits) while making adventures happen.
  10. Prepare your home, assets, animals, and finances ahead of time.
    There is nothing worse than stressing out over your vacation! If there are things that need to be taken care of while you are away, make plans ahead of time to ensure that they get done. This will help to make your vacation even more enjoyable without the extra responsibilities hanging over your head.
  11. Get out there and EXPLORE!
    Be excited for this awesome opportunity to expand your horizons and splash the depths of your soul with a revitalizing wave of energy and enlightenment! You are ready to soak up every bit of loveliness and nourish your mind!!

Lost in the Distance

Real genuine affection is difficult to find, and, the harder it is sought, the further away it wanders. Many people search all their lives and never find it, or they settle for less than they are worth. I hope to never drop down to that level, but it seems perfectly logical that people must resort to this. People have the audacity to call others too “picky,” but is it fair to judge preferences when it comes to a lifetime of happiness or complete boredom/regret? Love was never made to be delivered in only a half form and deciding to receive only half is a joke.